Comedy writing sample.
c 2022 by Debbie Davidsohn – All Rights Reserved
Sex Lines
(Comedy or Drama?)
Flash Fiction, Prose, a Scene, whatever
you want to make of it…
(This is in prose & flash fiction format, but can be transposed into a working scene)
Sarah reached begrudgingly towards the side of her bed to answer
the phone. Her short red hair was rumpled up in matted clumps. She noticed a
squished chocolate covered donut to the right of her squashed to her tanned bed
sheets.
“Hello, Hollywood
Hottie Line. Sheena speaking. How can I help you?” she answered in a deep
sultry voice.
Sarah stood up
with the phone leaning on her shoulder and looked at herself in her full-length
mirror. She was wearing a black leather jacket still, which she fell asleep in, was 4’10”, wore a
crinkled t-shirt, and was about 40 pounds overweight.
She spoke into the
phone with a breathy tone of voice and said, “I’m wearing hot pink silk
stockings, have on black leather pumps, and have you between my E size red silk
bra. I’m taking off my silk stockings
now. Oh, you are the largest man, I’ve ever known!”
In the mirror,
Sarah noticed her own disgusted look as she frowned at herself in the mirror
and gritted her teeth.
“As fast as you
like honey. If you don’t hurry, I’m
going to go over there and tie you up to your chair with my pink silk
stockings.”
She heard a loud
moan in her earpiece and had to pull the phone a few inches away from her head.
“That’s a good
boy. Until next time, sweetie.” She then
hung up the phone.
Noticing the time, she quickly put on her hi-tops, grabbed her
motorcycle keys, and left her apartment.
Sarah revved up
her motorcycle engine and took off to a local bar called Clippers. She regularly
hung out there, sitting at the bar, talking to her buddies and strangers,
drinking whatever the other person was drinking.
On this evening,
her buddy Natlie was drinking at the bar, and so was the bartender, Al.
“Hey Sarah, how
many pink stockings did you have to use tonight?” Al smiled, as he poured her a
shot of tequila.
“Aw man, at $150.00
dollars a pop, you’d think I would need a hundred a day, but tonight it was
maybe seven. Yesterday was much better. They maybe need to do more late-night
advertising or change the women they are using in their ads,” Sheena replied,
reaching for the shot of tequila. She quickly gulped down the tequila, slammed
the shot glass down, and silently demanded more.
“Have you ever met
up with any of your night callers?” asked Natlie. She took the salt shaker and
shook some of the salt on the back of her hand, then licked up the salt, and
gulped down a shot of tequila.
“Hell no woman!
I’d lose all my business if they knew I was a short overweight ugly dyke with
no interest in men at all. These men actually believe that Sheena is a 5’11,
super-blonde Playboy bunny with a 40-inch set of knockers, a 26-inch waist, and
with 35-inch hips. My clients toot monies out of their asses non-stop, because
of their own imaginations.”
All three laughed.
Al took a swig from his shot glass and put a bottle of tequila down on the bar
between them, then, poured himself another. “Hey, that’s how I kept my marriage
going all those years; I just closed my eyes and imagined Monroe” Al said. He
swigged down another shot of tequila.
“It’s a living.
You can’t knock it. You should see the other women who work for the line. I
look good compared to some of ‘em” Sarah smiled.
Al looks at
Sarah sardonically. “You think you’re ugly? You should see my x-wife! Man, she
let herself go bad.”
“Je-zuz Al. You
guys are all the same. It’s always about what she looks like and not what she
makes you feel like” Sarah told Al with a hint of disappointment in her voice.
Natlie agreed and
poured some more salt on the back of her hand. “Well, that’s why I had breast
implants put in, two ribs removed, and do the gym 2 hours a day. I couldn’t
live, if Jerry left me. He can come home
to his own hottie right in his own bedroom.”
“Jerry who,
Natlie?” asked Sarah. “I had a Jerry on my line the other day. He told me his
wife was boring him to tears and he needed a diversion for a change.”
Natlie looked down at her drink ready to cry. “I can’t believe it. I thought we were doing so well. I work so hard at pleasing that man. I even installed a pole in the bedroom so I could do those naughty dances for him.”
Sarah smiles at
Natlie. “I’m just kidding Natlie.”
"No you're not!" Natlie replied.
"You're just being nice. He's bored of me".
Sarah is serious: "I really am joking round some Natlie
Don't get all worked up and do anything I wouldn't do."
Natlie looks into the distance thinking up strategy trying to resolve her husband's boredom, somehow.
"I'm just gonna have to be someone else. Let's see, I'll get a wig in a different color, change my fashion, take down the stripper pole..."
Sarah interrupts Natlie. . .
"Or, you could burn his dinner & morning toast, leave your place a stinking mess, max his credit cards out, wipe out the bank account and look like shit when he gets home" Sheena stands up sarcastically.
"This would show him what he will be missing instead and help him appreciate what he had all along. And, while you're at it, why don't you tell him you want you ribs back!"
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