Comedy writing sample. 

c 2022 by Debbie Davidsohn – All Rights Reserved

 

Sex Lines

(Comedy or Drama?)

Flash Fiction, Prose, a Scene, whatever you want to make of it…

(This is in prose & flash fiction format, but can be transposed into a working scene)

 

            Sarah reached begrudgingly towards the side of her bed to answer the phone. Her short red hair was rumpled up in matted clumps. She noticed a squished chocolate covered donut to the right of her squashed to her tanned bed sheets.

            “Hello, Hollywood Hottie Line. Sheena speaking. How can I help you?” she answered in a deep sultry voice.

            Sarah stood up with the phone leaning on her shoulder and looked at herself in her full-length mirror. She was wearing a black leather jacket still, which she fell asleep in, was 4’10”, wore a crinkled t-shirt, and was about 40 pounds overweight.

            She spoke into the phone with a breathy tone of voice and said, “I’m wearing hot pink silk stockings, have on black leather pumps, and have you between my E size red silk bra.  I’m taking off my silk stockings now. Oh, you are the largest man, I’ve ever known!”

            In the mirror, Sarah noticed her own disgusted look as she frowned at herself in the mirror and gritted her teeth.

            “As fast as you like honey.  If you don’t hurry, I’m going to go over there and tie you up to your chair with my pink silk stockings.”

            She heard a loud moan in her earpiece and had to pull the phone a few inches away from her head.

            “That’s a good boy.  Until next time, sweetie.” She then hung up the phone.

            Noticing the time, she quickly put on her hi-tops, grabbed her motorcycle keys, and left her apartment.

            Sarah revved up her motorcycle engine and took off to a local bar called Clippers. She regularly hung out there, sitting at the bar, talking to her buddies and strangers, drinking whatever the other person was drinking.

            On this evening, her buddy Natlie was drinking at the bar, and so was the bartender, Al.

            “Hey Sarah, how many pink stockings did you have to use tonight?” Al smiled, as he poured her a shot of tequila.

            “Aw man, at $150.00 dollars a pop, you’d think I would need a hundred a day, but tonight it was maybe seven. Yesterday was much better. They maybe need to do more late-night advertising or change the women they are using in their ads,” Sheena replied, reaching for the shot of tequila. She quickly gulped down the tequila, slammed the shot glass down, and silently demanded more.

            “Have you ever met up with any of your night callers?” asked Natlie. She took the salt shaker and shook some of the salt on the back of her hand, then licked up the salt, and gulped down a shot of tequila.

            “Hell no woman! I’d lose all my business if they knew I was a short overweight ugly dyke with no interest in men at all. These men actually believe that Sheena is a 5’11, super-blonde Playboy bunny with a 40-inch set of knockers, a 26-inch waist, and with 35-inch hips. My clients toot monies out of their asses non-stop, because of their own imaginations.”

            All three laughed. Al took a swig from his shot glass and put a bottle of tequila down on the bar between them, then, poured himself another. “Hey, that’s how I kept my marriage going all those years; I just closed my eyes and imagined Monroe” Al said. He swigged down another shot of tequila.

            “It’s a living. You can’t knock it. You should see the other women who work for the line. I look good compared to some of ‘em” Sarah smiled.

            Al looks at Sarah sardonically. “You think you’re ugly? You should see my x-wife! Man, she let herself go bad.”

            “Je-zuz Al. You guys are all the same. It’s always about what she looks like and not what she makes you feel like” Sarah told Al with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

            Natlie agreed and poured some more salt on the back of her hand. “Well, that’s why I had breast implants put in, two ribs removed, and do the gym 2 hours a day. I couldn’t live, if Jerry left me.  He can come home to his own hottie right in his own bedroom.”

            “Jerry who, Natlie?” asked Sarah. “I had a Jerry on my line the other day. He told me his wife was boring him to tears and he needed a diversion for a change.”

            Natlie looked down at her drink ready to cry. “I can’t believe it. I thought we were doing so well. I work so hard at pleasing that man. I even installed a pole in the bedroom so I could do those naughty dances for him.”

            Sarah smiles at Natlie. “I’m just kidding Natlie.”

            "No you're not!" Natlie replied. 

            "You're just being nice. He's bored of me".

            Sarah is serious: "I really am joking round some Natlie

            Don't get all worked up and do anything I wouldn't do."

            Natlie looks into the distance thinking up strategy trying to resolve her                           husband's boredom, somehow. 

            "I'm just gonna have to be someone else. Let's see, I'll get a wig in a                               different color,  change my fashion, take down the stripper pole..."

            Sarah interrupts Natlie. . . 

            "Or,  you could burn his dinner & morning toast, leave your place a                                stinking mess,  max his credit cards out, wipe out the bank account and                         look like shit when he gets home" Sheena stands up sarcastically.

             "This would show him what he will be missing instead and help him                                appreciate what he had all along. And, while you're at it, why don't you                          tell him you want you ribs back!"